It's All About Choice

My father passed away just ten days after the birth of my second son.

It was a pretty hard going birth with it all ending in my son being born by c-section because I wasn't progressing in labour. I was a little disappointed, but I knew there wasn't much more I could have done. In sharp contrast to the birth of my first son, I managed to recover quicker and we were out of hospital in just 3 days. (My first son was in SCBU for 2 weeks and I stayed with him.)

Going back to before the birth, my father had been diagnosed with leukemia about ten years or so ago. He'd been relatively active and fine for the first, I'd say, 5-6 years. The last 4 were tremendously hard on all of us. He went through all the treatment possible in hopes that it'd give him some sort of a remission. Some helped, some did not.

The last year of his life was the hardest of all. He rapidly declined in his health, and started to lose control of his hands and became quite forgetful. The family decided to have one last holiday with him and I'm glad we did! He said it was the best holiday he'd ever had. :) It was wonderful to share special time with him away from the home.

I must mention here that it was around this time that they'd decided bone marrow might be a good idea, and my father (although first against the idea) accepted the offer. He went through all the preliminary tests and they were not happy, as his remission wasn't as much as it needed it to be for the operation to be a success. So my father again tried whatever medication they gave him...to no avail. There was nothing more they could do for him. We knew we were losing him now.

So, a week after my son was born I got a call from my mum. She was crying and telling me that my dad was going down hill very quickly. I did not feel panic or urgency to see him at this time. It was the next day when my eldest brother called me that panic set in. My brother NEVER calls me ever! So to hear the urgency in his voice and his pleading for me to be there reverberated through every inch of me. I HAD to go see my dad.

So, just over a week after my c-section, my little family travelled on the train for 2 hours to see my dad. What I saw shocked me to my core! He was laying on the bed, unable to move very much and not able to speak. His breathing was shallow and laboured. He looked awful...not like the strong, vibrant, full of life man I knew him to be. It hurt so much seeing him like that. He managed to squeeze my hand and grab my long hair, but that was about as much communication as he could manage.

We tried to make him as comfortable as possible, playing him his favourite songs and sharing funny stories. I introduced him to his newest grandson, and it was a sweet moment where they both gazed at one another. My father was able to hold him in the one arm that was working for him.

As the time drew near for us to leave, I knew that would be the last time I'd see my father. We said our goodbyes amid tears of sorrow and heartache. I didn't want to leave him.

IN the middle of that night the phone rang. My father had gone.

Now what has this to do with choice? You must understand that in my journey it has EVERYTHING to do with it.

My father passed away in the September of 2010, and up until Christmas of that year I was fine. I had a new little one to take care of, and a delightful, full of beans 2 year old to try and keep a track of! Christmas was coming quick and we had lots to plan for and look forward to. It was a busy time.

Christmas passed and the aftermath was awful. My father's birthday is in January and BOOM, the grief caught up with me in a massive way. I became extremely angry and intolerant towards everything and my children suffered because of it. I just wanted the world to disappear and leave me alone. I wanted to hide in a dark room and speak to no one. Thankfully I had a great health visitor who recognised the need in me for time to grieve and arranged time with a counselor. The boys were found spaces at a nearby nursery so I could attend these sessions.

The sessions helped me to a certain degree, just talking things out really helped me to work out for myself what I needed to work on. One of the biggest AHAH!!! moments for me was when I realised that my attitude, my actions, the way I felt were choices I had made. I was choosing to give in to the anger, choosing to react in harsh ways to my children and choosing to let the grief fester instead of acknowledging it, looking at it positively and moving on.

I know what you are thinking, that it's all part of the process and I had a right to feel like I did. I agree with you. But I think that remaining like that for too long is actually detrimental to the whole process, never mind to the people around you!!! Not that grieving is a bad thing, or I'm trying to forget my dad quicker...more I'm trying to remember him in a positive light rather than dwelling in gloom that he isn't here anymore. He wouldn't have wanted that.

So once I knew it was a choice I started handling things better. It didn't happen over night that all was well...believe me I still have my moments even now where the anger just is there all of a sudden! But knowing that there is a choice in how I feel, react and behave has made a vast difference to how I face EVERYTHING! Exercise, for example, I can choose to do it and feel great about myself, or I can choose to not do it and impede my progress! I can choose to do the stack of dishes and enjoy the feeling of freedom, or I can leave them to stack up more and have them loom over me with a sense of doooooom, knowing they have to be done. It's all a choice in the end, and we all have that priviledge!

So what do you choose? I choose to be happy and I choose to make the right decisions to make me so!

I CAN DO THIS THING AND SO CAN YOU!!!!!!

Something To (Hopefully) Laugh About Later

I have this Beehive activity that has been driving me crazy for the last 2 weeks that just doesn't seem to want to commit itself to either one thing or another...so I'm already feeling the pressure seeing as the activity is meant to happen tonight!!!!! I jotted tonnes of notes in my usual spider diagram way, and they all connect and work...but the feeling isn't there! You know the one I mean. The feeling of "YES! This is the one! It's going to be so much fun!" Nope, nothing but sheer panic that I was going to have to wing it! This morning I awoke to that panic and I've been trying to get it all to gel, but it refuses to.

Meanwhile...my boys have decided that today they will try their best to get on every last nerve I have. It all started with an argument about spoons. I'm trying to feel the spirit and try to glean inspiration from the Prophet and all I can hear is:
"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...AGOBBLY DOOONS, MYYYYYYYY!!!!!!"
and
"I NEEEEEEEEEED TWOOOOOOOOO SPOOOOOOOOOOOONS BOOOOOHOOOOO BOOOOHOOOO, GET OFFF PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!!!!"

Any spirit I was feeling swooped out of the window...brilliant. How was I ever meant to get inspiration tonight with so much hullaballooo over spoons of all things??? So I did the usual mother thing of giving each child a spoon thinking that sharing is the answer...nope. It was met with:
"BUT I NEEEEEED TWOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
and
"GABBBA DOOOOOOOOOOOON"
and lots of attempts of snatching from each other. *sigh*
Frustrated beyond belief (I know so silly and I feel really bad to rise to it so quickly) I shouted at the pair of them, took the spoons off both of them and placed them away in the kitchen. Peace I thought would follow...WRONG...The next 20 minutes consisted of me talking to Anthony about being kind and sharing to make everyone happy while he bawled his heart out declaring "I'm saaaaaaaaaad!" Then giving Pip huge hugs to calm his desperate sobbing after his "dooons". *rolls eyes* The only thing that would calm the pair of silly billys was putting on the tv and plonking them down to watch it. Done. I thought....WRONG!

SO peace reigned for a while...then it came to pass (as it often does) that I was thus verily in the midst of rethinking my activity when I hear the familiar sound of a chair being dragged and a door being opened. Pips is in the fridge AGAIN!!! I cannot begin to count the amount of times I'm at that fridge taking Pips away from it after he's eaten the cucumber, or rearranged the contents, or made beautiful sculptures with the margarine!!! Beyond my patience sometimes. This trip to the fridge by Pips happened a few times while my brain has just about got itself back into planning mode...thus losing what great train of thought or thread of inspiration I managed to drift my way. Brilliant.

The next marvelous thing that was to distract me from this darn activity planning was something that in itself is a good thing and has been very much encouraged both my myself and by John. Anthony needed a wee...and the only way he can go is by me hoiking him over the safety gate that is at the kitchen doorway. (We have it there to stop a Pip going in and playing/drinking the toilet water. It was a move made when he decided it would be fun to put my phone down there..thanks...brilliant.) So off he went and I returned to my planning. As soon as I sat down, of course he'd finished and needed bringing back over! TSK!!!! *BREATHE*

I could go on and on with the wonderful things that my boys have done today to get me away from this activity planning...I will list a couple other things: Anthony hadn't had breakfast this morning as he decided just to have a drink, so he declared he wanted some in the middle of me trying hard to listen to President Monson. Pips decided it would be great fun to draw up a chair from the back room and turn the light on and off...brilliant. I have brought in the boys seesaw from outside, Anthony is sat in the middle, and of course, Pips wants to be there too...bring on the arguments and fighting.

It sounds as if I have completely ignored my boys in the quest for this activity to be planned...and perhaps I am guilty to some degree of that today. This isn't a normal day in the Folley household though and usually the boys are happy to amuse themselves together. It's that unspoken law that as soon as mummy is occupied the boys MUST create havoc, chaos and mayhem.

You know...even though my boys were trying their best to drive me completely insane, my activity still managed to get planned, and I feel hopeful and excited about it. :) A little less frustrated now that it's not so much on my mind now! :D

A Whole New Year!!! 2012 Here I come!

I'm so glad for a new year and a new start! 2011 ended in a lighter way than it started, which can only mean 2012 is going to be great!!! Though on the very last day of 2011 Pips decided it would be rather fun to drop my palm pre 3 into the toilet! Thanks Pips! You have to laugh don't you?


Anyway, I was making my goals on Monday and I've decided to really go for it in the improving of myself area! So here they are:

Home:

• Keep on top of housework and maintain a tidy household.
• Make the house more homely with pictures and personal touches.
• Spend time improving and maintaining the outside/garden.

Health:

• Lose a stone by Christmas 2012 by:
  • Exercising for 15 minutes each day.
  • Cutting out chocolate and cutting down on sweets and snacks.

Church:

• Support John in his calling by not murmuring about it.
• Be more prepared for Sunday YW lessons.
• Get to know the Beehives better.

Spiritual:

• Study the Sunday School lesson each morning.
• Read the Book of Mormon each night.
• Pray more meaningfully morning and night.

Family:

• Hold family Home Evenings:
  • John - Lesson
  • Maureen - Activity
  • Ansi – snack
• Have Anthony and Pip chores for the house.
• Show more love & less impatience towards all family members. Doing one nice thing for each person a week.

Personal:

• Write at least 1 poem a month
• Make at least 1 card a month
• Help uplift one person a month.

Finances:

• Aim to save money by:
  • Bulk buying where can.
  • Planning meals and sticking to them.

There are more under the section titled Mo & John, but I think those are personal ones for us only to see. :) Feel free to ask me at any time how my goals are coming along! I need the support and prodding at times! Hopefully by the end of this year I will actually be happy with myself! :D

Another Illuminating Insight

After reading "The Peacegiver" by James L. Ferrell I began looking at my own life and where I had placed my own stumbling blocks to other's healing and happiness. My mind was quick to forget such ponderings as I realised that the afternoon was drawing to a close and yet again the lady requiring my freecycled moses basket had not come to collect it. It had been now 3 days since she first requested it.

I thought how I would let someone else have it if she was so unwilling to put the effort forward and pick up this FREE "gift", afterall how generous was I being in offering an almost new moses basket without asking for anything in return...other than it being picked up of course! My unkind thoughts soon turned as I started to see the parable held within this frustrating situation.

Let's swap around the roles here. I became the lady seemingly unwilling to pick up a gift that I had sought...on more than one occasion and more often than not with pleading on my part for it! I became unwilling, besides the pleading to "put the effort forward" and receive it into my life and letting it bless me as it would undoubtedly do. Yes you are right, that the Saviour is the one offering us the gifts we seek daily to help us...even if we don't go in prayer to him. The gifts are there, waiting for us. The scriptures tell us that "if we do as the Lord commands , he will immediately bless [us]." (Mosiah 2:24) Immediately!

It got me to thinking back to the lady I was waiting on, and what might have held up her arrival. Perhaps a family emergency, perhaps traffic on the roads, perhaps she wasn't actually coming at all. What things are holding me up? What things are preventing me reaching out and taking the gift that I have sought? Pride? Expectations? Self justification that I need not "do as the Lord commands" because I've done enough already? Anger and impatience that I should have help in this not have to go seeking for it? A lot of things perhaps, even right down to not seeking "from the good books" where that knowledge and gift may be found!

Then I thought on to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ's roles. How impatient I have been in waiting for this lady to pick up this "gift". Yet their impatience may only be a manifestation of their love and eagerness for my happiness. However many times I have sought these gifts without a pickup, they are still there waiting to be collected if I but put my trust, and my own "effort forward" into receiving it.

So then, how is this looking for other's happiness and healing? Well, simply, that I have a part to play in the happiness of my own family, for the friends in my life and for those whom I do not yet know. Sometimes things are sought from us whether verbally, in action or through an observation, that we need to act upon. Sometimes gifts cannot wait for the person to pick up themselves. Sometimes we have to put that "effort forward" to greatly bless those seeking, those who are "poor in spirit" as well as "poor in body". I know for my part I have wished so many times for someone to come in and ease my burdens for a while that I might have rest...literally...just until I am able to do so for myself. That help did come, many times, and still continue to come even though they may not be the way I originally thought they should.

But...eventually the moses basket was picked up. Turns out she got lost on the way...and don't we all? Thank goodness for our loving Heavenly Father and for the atoning sacrifice of his son, Jesus Christ! The beautiful, free gift given to us all...if only we would put our "effort forward" and accept it.

Today While Wrestling With My Printer...

...came to me a profound, yet simple spiritual message.

All morning I have been arguing with my printer to conform to my way of thinking...all I wanted was one simple document printed. Was that too much to ask of a machine that is designed for such a task? Every time I pressed print, the little window would come up saying that there was a communication error!

I tried to reboot my computer to see if that would open the communication pathway, but nope, still no discussion between the two. I tried to disconnect and reconnect every wire I could see, but still no joyous sound of printing. I'd all but given up.

I went over to the printer (as the last resort for my sanity to be saved), to check the wireless settings...and lo and behold the wireless radio had been switched off! I had to switch it back on before any communication could commence! Happy days, my document printed without any further hitch!

The spiritual message? Well, it hit me that sometimes I am like the uncommunicative printer. Heavenly Father is trying to send through spiritual messages to me, but I have my spiritual radio turned off and so they do not get through. He's trying so hard, but unlike me, He would never give up on me, never be frustrated, just lovingly patient in waiting for me to turn my radio on!

Grateful

Every now and then I get a day where I am absolutely bursting with gratitude that I have to write it all down for fear of exploding!!! So here it is, all that I am grateful for...or as many as I can possibly list right now:

1. Spring time! I just love how it blows the blues right away! There's just something magical about it that makes my heart soar!
2. The sunshine. I'm not a massive fan of the heat it can generate, but to open the curtains and be greeted with a cheery light does set the day on the right sort of path!
3. Anthony. He amazes me daily with everything! He's creative, inquisitive, grateful, and very polite, neat and loving! I particularly joy in his progress on the toilet! :D
4. Pips. My heart goes "squeeeeeeeeeeee!!!" everytime I think about him! He's so squishy and gorgeous! He's so cheerful and talkative and so very funny! Right now I'm enjoying watching him persevering with his rolling and reaching for things that are a little out of his way! He never gives up!
5. John. How much this man means to me cannot be calculated with all the numbers on earth!!! He makes me laugh constantly (mostly at myself) and is always there to listen to my worries and complaints. I'd be lost without my MoMoJohn!
6. Light along the tunnel! I cannot see the end...I'm just happy for the light along the way. It keeps me going and sustains me even though I feel I cannot go on another step! (cryptic I know...hah!)
7. DRIVING! WOOOO!!! I haven't started yet, but I'm so excited! I can see freedom within my grasp! It's going to bless us in so many ways!!!
8. Inspiration and guidence. Lately I've read a few articles that have really changed my gloomy outlook. One of which being about smiling and how it can affect you and those around you. I tried a bit of an experiment with it and it REALLY works! Smile...even if you don't mean or feel it, do it anyway, and as the day goes along you will get to being happy and meaning it! :)
9. Counselling. It's been brought to my attention that I hadn't been taking time out for myself. Everything I'd been doing I'd been doing for the family or others. It seems so logical that to refresh ones self, one needs to have quality self time. I wasn't allowing myself that time. Daft. But since I've been having an hour I feel more lifted and feel better able to be with the boys! So happiness all round! :)
10. The gospel. Without which my life would have no direction. Eternally grateful for the choice I made in returning to the fold! For marrying in the temple to a "choice companion", for tithing, for the scriptures which guide my life, for the wonderful members who are examples to me, for PRIMARY!!! For it all! :)
11. For my saviour, Jesus Christ. It humbles me truly, to know that He has taken upon himself ALL my failings, griefs and pains. That I am able, through him, to return to him one day, if I follow him. My family can be together forever through Heavenly Father's divine plan of salvation. Humbled, everyday, and so, so grateful.

:)

A Very Good Week

This is a good week! Ok, so getting backdated on our Child tax credits really helps to make one happy, but a few other things have helped to lift my mood also!

• I FINALLY submitted my form for a provisional license and have gotten it! Wooo!!! Now I can learn how to drive!!! 
• I've been to the doctors and now that I'm no longer pregnant or breastfeeding I can have the skin treatment I need to clear my horrid acne up! Wooooo!!!! Hopefully it will work and my self consciousness will go!!!
• Anthony and I have had great fun playing shops and making dens with the curtains. He's just adorable when he goes "dingalingaling" (the shop's door bell).
• Pips has screamed less this week and has given my ears a bit of a break. :) He's a squidgett! He can roll all over the place now and is eating puree like a crazy man! "MMMMMMMMMMMMMHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" He says between mouthfuls and I'm inclined to believe it!

Ah...this has been a very good week.